Monday, April 24, 2006
Came a time
When every star fall brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold
And what's the worst you take
From every heart you break
And like the blade you stain
Well i've been holding on tonight
What's the worst that i can say?
Things are better if i stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
And if you carry on this way
Things are better if i stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Can we pretend to leave and then
We'll meet again
When both our cars collide?
bandista needed
you at 04:43 pm
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Wednesday, April 19, 2006
why dont you just forget the guy?
sigh... i'm getting there...
bandista needed
you at 06:30 pm
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Tuesday, April 11, 2006
missing him.. badly...
when someone becomes a habit, its hard to live even a single day without him.... without even a single trace of his presence
one month, two weeks, five days, since everything ended all of a sudden...
it was on a hot day like this... 24th of february, when i told myself that i can't wait...
when i started to become impulsive...
when i remembered how he told me before, "the biggest risk in life is not taking one"
how are you?
fine..you?
im okay... where are you?
dorm
you didnt go home?
no
why?
i had important things to do.. school stuff.. you wouldnt be interested..
okay...
where are you?
dorm too...why?
okay...
so he's at his dorm...
if you want something to happen, you have to do something to make it happen...
without any hesitations, i went straight to his dorm...
what are you doing here?
i
can't wait any longer.. this "lying low thing"? it doesn't work for
me... why dont you just tell me that you want this to be over.. and
i'll go
come inside..
no.. no.. this doesnt have to take long, you know...please.. just tell me,, and i'll leave...
inside.. its freakin hot here...
no!
**he took my hand and we went inside...
what are you doing here? i have to say.. i missed you...
please.. just tell me.. i dont want to wait for a long time when you are just going to end it all the while...
give me time
time? how much time do you need? two months! two months! wasnt that enough time for you to think about the two of us?
i dont know.. i dont know what to do..
you
know something? you are chicken shit! you dont know what you want...
you are freaking twenty years old and you still dont know what you
want...
why are you here?
because you are a coward! i am the one trying to be strong here... you know that i dont want this to end...
please.. not now.. dont pressure me...
when then? when? im here now... please dont do this to me,,, it took me
a lot of guts to come down here... dont push me away.. dont make me
leave without any clue what is going to happen between us,,,
i admit.. this is really brave of you.. even i couldnt do it...
i know, that's why i did it... its just really easy... a few words.. "its over" .. that's all you have to tell me...
-silence-
i am doing this because this is for your own good... you deserve someone better...
was i demanding? did i demand anything from you?
that's the whole point.. you didnt.. but i feel like i should make you
feel this, make feel that, give you this and that... because you
deserve it. but i cant give it..
im telling you this right now... and i just have to say that this (points to his head) is what i used...
it's over
/me smiles
see.. it wasnt so hard was it? you want to know what my regrets are?
no...
i dont care.. im gonna say it anyway..
no.. i dont want to know...
but i want to tell you...
you remember last sunday? well, the day before that was when i realized
that i love you... it took me jeff to make me realize that... and after
that, i was all so excited to tell you.. because i promised myself that
once i know what i truly feel for you.. i would shout it out to the
whole world... then, that sunday... i wanted to tell you everything..
but with just one SMS... "i'm giving up"... everything went black...
wow, just like that... i thought i could change you... i thought i
could make you forget your single life.. i thought i could take away
your fear of commitment the way you took away mine... i thought once i
told you that i love you, you would pick me...
*this is the part that hurts most*
i can't love you back.. i dont know,, its just not me...
he walked me back to the dorm... when we were about to say good-bye, i
turned my head because i never wanted goodbyes... he kissed my cheek..
and went away...
that was the time when i took the biggest risk...
all or nothing.. its either i lose him now, or this is the day when i would actually have a boyfriend
february 24
when i think of him, i think about what i just did that very day...
if i didnt go to his house.. if i didnt get mad about valentine's
day... if i just kept my mouth shut and ignored the fact that i love
you, would you still be mine?
looking back in all our
memories... its a shame we only had 4 pictures together.. i had copies
of the two. you have all four...
there is no day i wont look at our pictures.. it makes me smile, and cry at the same time....
art immortalizes... it does...
for the record, i did everything i could to keep you...
but i guess it wasnt enough.. not even love can make you stay - can make you mine...
you are the biggest risk i took... the most impulsive thing i have done, and the best thing that has ever happened to me...
its funny... when you are in love, and it wasnt even reciprocated, you
begin to feel that you can never feel as strongly to any other person
ever again... nothing makes sense...
i have to admit.. i was a playah...
what is this? karma? now, i lost at my favorite game...
i miss your smile.. your voice, your hugs, your kisses, your everything... most especially you...
a friend: do you still love him? till now?
me: i do... every fuckin day my love grows and grows... and i never want to give up
its hard breaking the habit...
its harder when the habit breaks out from you...
"let me just say something... you were the first guy i ever kissed, you
were my first boyfriend, you were my first everything... you were the
first guy to ever make me cry, maybe its coz you were the first guy who
ever broke my heart and that i really love you.. happy valentine's day,
jet... bye"
»end of session
bandista needed
you at 04:40 pm
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Friday, April 07, 2006
kiss in the rain, white roses
The stars beneath the sky, they tell me you’re a secret,
And every time, i wake up in the morning,
Rain is falling down on me. i feel free. . .
You caught me by surprise, i asked you to believed me,
Without a lie, we’ll never have to say or feel were sorry,
Don’t say you’re sorry, soon you’ll see. . .
I’m learning, i’m learning you now. . .
Stars fading, free falling into you. . .
This time i’m sure what i’m looking for,
And that’s what i want you to know,
And i won’t ever let you go, let you go . .
Underneath the waves,
I can feel you underneath the waves. . .
I’m learning, i’m learning you now. . .
Stars fading, free falling into you. . .
This time i’m sure what i’m looking for,
And that’s what i want you to know,
And i won’t ever let you go, let you go . .
It’s all been said and done to me, i know it,
Just let me have a chance, to prove my cause,
And i know what lies ahead for us,
In any road i’ll let you come my way. . .
This time i’m sure what i’m looking for,
And that’s what i want you to know,
And i won’t ever let you go, let you go. . .
And i’m ready for you now,
And i’m ready for you now,
Be ready for me now,
Be ready for me now. . .
it's been over a month.. and im still not over him...
for over a month i had experienced the dry spell..
nothing seems to make any sense...
because i was so used to writing about the two of us..
but now, there is no more "us" to write about...
again.. my heart feels crushed...
there is no day that i do not think of him..
every minute.. every second..
he's in my mind...
part of me wants to give up...
but another part of me still wants to hold on to him...
because im still hoping he might come back...
hope is a double-edged sword...
yes it is...
it keeps you looking forward to something..
it also is very frustrating...
i really can't believe that its over..
everything was fine.. everything was... perfect
the mere fact that i love you makes you worthy.. i can't see any reason why you have to make everything so complicated...
i won't close any doors... i will still be here... i just hope you won't be too late...
i really dont get him..
we still talk though.. but we try to avoid the "us" part...
i cry myself to sleep..
i call out your name...
thinking that if i do, you might hear me calling out to you...
and you would just be right here beside me,,, telling me that you are mine...
i keep thinking that i should let you off my mind..
but i can't do that.. and i dont want to...
every song reminds me of the two of us...
how you hurt me.. how you didnt even give me a chance.... how easy it was for you to let me go
but no matter how hard i try to hate you, i can't hate you...
just one sorry... just come back to me... and i'll forget everything....
i hope you'll be ready for me soon...
i dont know how much pain my heart can endure with all the waiting,,
all the hoping, all the crying.. all the screams... all my thinking of
you...
And everytime i see you passing by
I'll just stay here waiting for you
And i will talk to myself on a lazy sunday afternoon
And i'll still sing that prayer for you
I'll be a little bit kind enough for me
While i try to be so perfect, you'll see that
And nothing can compare to whatever lies out there.
»end of session
bandista needed
you at 08:28 pm
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Sunday, March 05, 2006
She Fell in Love in the First Place
lub dub
lub dub
lub dub
Now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his
Head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really
Wept he says
I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place
lub dub
lub dub
lub dub
»end of session
bandista needed
you at 12:48 pm
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Monday, February 20, 2006
and i thought i would be the one to end this..
there's nothing left to say...
but..
i promised myself that once i knew what i really feel for you, i would shout it to the whole world...
i LoVe YoU
bye...
»end of session
bandista needed
you at 10:28 am
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Sunday, February 19, 2006
now that heart's day is almost over and i didnt even give you something to remember, what do you think of me now?
i may not give you gifts but i just want you to know you're special and that time spent with you is more than any valentine that will come in my life...
---------------------------------------------------------
where are you?
ever since, i have always hated Valentine's Day...
now that i have a special someone, i thought it would be different...
and you were wrong
i just want you to make me feel what you just told me...
you didnt even show up.. so many thoughts come crashing in my mind...
like im with somebody else...
please...dont think that way... how many times do i have to tell you that you are the only one? it hurts me when you keep on thinking i have somebody else...
i was planning something for us... you know what i was thinking this early morning?... to be with you this weekend.. to finally meet your folks... to make our plan reality... but maybe not... i told you.. i cant give you more than this...im trying but its really not me... i cant give my whole self to you... to commit...
i was thinking... why me? i dont deserve you... you deserve someone better... i cant give you what you want...
are you putting an end to this?
not yet...
you are keeping me at the edge of my seat...
im already in the brink of falling...
dont do this...
you say im the only one... okay.. i believe you...
but im always second to everything...
i have to save myself...
to save myself from falling...
because i know you wont be there to catch me...
or... could it be..
have i already fallen?
i have always thought that i was too young to know what love is..
i was right...
because i was already in love and i didnt even know it...
»end of session
bandista needed
you at 01:37 pm
Permalink
i'll never let you go...
****
remember when i told you i need to
time to think about what i really want to happen between the two of us?
well... i havent thought about it yet... 'cause i dont have to...
'cause its already here....in my heart...
****
i want us to get out of town.. just the two of us...
****
is there any improvement in me with regards to the two of us? sorry for askin.. im being weird again...
****
if you really want to know, you are the only one....
****
i liked it because it was with you...
»end of session
bandista needed
you at 01:20 pm
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Friday, January 27, 2006
the wind of loneliness passes me by...
i could feel you slipping away
i
could feel my fingertips running through your skin..
i'm growing
apart...
and it gives me so much pain knowing that you're not doing
anything to hold me back...
to keep me clinging to you...
your
insensitivity makes me hate you...
i try to keep myself
from letting you go...
just one more chance...
i would give you one
more chance...
for days i have been trying to make myself feel
better...
trying to convince myself that this state of "lying low"
would result to better days for the two of us..
ice
cream as my sure for depression...
ice cream as my Valium
since we last
talked, there was no day i didn't take my self-prescribed medication
every spoonful of my Häagen-Dazs freezes my emotions...
i swallow
faster to make me numb...
then i stop...
the
frozen-processed-dairy-product melts...
invisible tears come out of my
tearducts though unable to be seen,
i could feel them rolling down my
zygomatics...
a drop falls down my anti-depressant...
it freezes...
i
gobbled the whole thing up...
my heart stops beating... my brain stops
thinking...
i go outdoors, it feels so warm...
i could feel you...
the feel of you skin against mine,
the warmth of your
embrace,
the tickles your fingertips give me as they make their way
from my nape towards my sacral spine...
your breath that blazes my
cheeks
the smell of your peppermint cigarette...
the electric feeling
of your rugged chin against my clavicle
the snuggles that livens up the
butterflies inside me...
your tender kiss that makes time stop and fly
faster simultaneously,
those so called "intimate" moments of "savouring
each other", slowly flies away with the wind...
the wind
of loneliness passes me by.....
»end of session
bandista needed
you at 05:06 pm
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Tuesday, January 24, 2006
sombreros, fajitas, nachos, salsa...
alone in a crowded room a superficial smile,
a conversation full of laughs,
new people met...
new prospects...
a date was set...
a kiss on the hand... a teaser...
next up, something stronger..
a more intense kiss on his lips,
i could feel his psyche inside me...
the heat that swims all the way down my throat....
and for the finale..
a sweet lemon kiss
discarding every sound that i could hear,
the plucking of the guitarman,
the cool voice of el musikero,
the quiet chimes,
the relaxing banging of the beatbox,
the chit chat of the people around me....
it was just me and Jose Cuervo
i forgot everything i knew about you
every detail of our intimacy
as if they were never a part of my history....
several rounds of his hallucinating kiss,
shot glasses in front of me...
and i see you...
»end of session
bandista needed
you at 09:31 am
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