Tuesday, July 10, 2007
here i am again..
and yet another sad entry...
i would come to think why i have earned the habit of facing the monitor teary-eyed, listening of the most emotional songs and letting my fingertips express my mind, every single time my heart is crushed...
its so amazing--- the irony of the human heart... toughest fragile thing...
easily broken... but never is...
and it started with just one song
he heard me singing by the shore...
i didnt notice him....
a common friend...
mindoro sling....
a kiss...
98 days... but we knew our love was impossible....
i was becoming unhappy... and he cant do anything about it because of valid reasons....
reasons that we both have to deal with...
i have been wanting to end it, but then i tried to be patient, thinking that things would turn around....
i was never really good with break-ups.. so he did it for me...
"i cant stand seeing you getting hurt... and i know that this is the only way to make you feel better again"
thanks for making it easier for me,...
but the fact that we were so impossible.. ---
that...
i couldnt take...
i love you... but we really cannot be...
kahit pagbali-baligtarin mo pa ang mundo
»end of session
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you at 04:32 pm
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Wednesday, March 28, 2007
has abandoned me...
how, i have no clue..
why, he never told me...
he never told me anything
which makes me wonder how we became friends...
we never spoke... never did...
i need him now...
more than ever... now that i have been so idle,
that i cant take control of my own mind...
i need him now...
now that schizophrenia is taking over me...
anarchy of my own body against me... how i hate this autonomy
i need him now...
where the fuckin hell is he?
could you ever speak to me?
or has my psychosis gone to its summit?
could you not judge me, instead listen?
love me...
tell me im enough...
tell me nothing's wrong...
tell me im worth it.... tell me you're worth it
this alcohol that leads to my delirium
this needle that punctures my numb veins
this fire that burns my tears...
could you come back?
or have i not met you yet...
»end of session
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you at 03:29 am
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Friday, March 02, 2007
this is quite an unexpected thing to do...
i didnt actually plan to blog this late for the new year...
i've been busy i guess...
there's something bothering me...
"roses are dead...
i am all blue..
because of apoxia,
i need one breath of you...
....
uh.. what next....
--blank---
here's another one...
"the curse of your memory...
eats me...
dark shadows of the past...
...
uh.... im stumped...
---blank---
i cant write anymore...
i mean.. not the way i used to, and i actually dont know if i should see this as a good thing or a bad thing...
because, as for my fellow bloggers who have been keeping up to date with my entries, i usually write in an emo sorta way...
sophisticated emo, if i may say...
and i dont write with "happily ever after" at the end of my entries.... no...
but now, i have a feeling i could...
writing
about unrequitted love, the absence of romance, memories provoking
agony, and all that shit doesnt work for me anymore....
well.. as of now, at least...
maybe this is what they call.. "officially moved on"
...isnt that nice?
i guess i was busy... busy having fun...
...isnt that what i really want to do? to have?
i dunno..
a post in my tagboard said... "i miss your writing.."
---
well you know what?...
i miss it too....
---blank----
»end of session
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you at 09:22 am
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Saturday, December 30, 2006
five months and nine days since i have last posted...
since i last wrote...
this is a year-ender... and how happy i am that this year would end.. it has been 365 cruel days to me... slight happiness has come across but this doesnt mask the wounds in my heart...
every single day of the year has made the cracks in my heart bigger... im still alive, but i barely made it...
i dont know if i should be thankful that i did, because it just gives me another chance to screw up, or maybe another chance to fix my messed up life...
i'd opt for the first...
for the first semester, i joined organizations in my university.. i joined one too many.. i figured that if i would get preoccupied, i wouldnt have to feel so broken... but then again, i was wrong...
i did minor productions from university-wide organizations, performances, because im mostly inclined in being on stage...
i thought this would keep my mind of him but with every time i get on stage, i cant help but look for a familiar face in the crowd, the face ive been longing to see...
a sudden crash...
i found out that he's in the arms of someone new... they look happy...
he looks enamoured...
lucky girl....
makes me wonder what she did that made him face his fear of commitment...
personally, i wouldnt be surprised if they would eventually get married...
crash and burn...
...
it was really time for me to let him go, though he was never really mine.......
it was a tough year for me... i have been sick almost everytime... not just the common cold or fever...
hmmm.. life is short...
but something tells me that my life is shorter than everybody else's...
for the past months, ive tried to meet new people, but they are all just merely passerbys... one second they're all over you, the next they're all over someone else...
that's why i have come to the conclusion that im never meant for anything romantic
makes me think that im not actually the girl any guy is looking for...
i must've done something wrong.. but then again, i always do...
nothing actually wonderful has happened to me this year... (or maybe not wonderful in my perspective at least)
which makes me hope for a better year ahead,
probably the only positive thing im thinking of right now...
disappointment would be the last thing i need for the coming year
i have had so many
if this will continue, i dont know what id do....
----------------------------------------------
***fade to black***false kisses under the moonlight,entrapped heart just lost her own gamemisinterpreted words mistaken for lovenever was, never will bea day of hearts, thought would be differentanother illusion only one eye could see.an expectation for something realbut his fear made it all a blur.great love that wasnt enough to change a selfish heartefforts to materialize are still worthlessa love growing continuouslyhis heart closed doors so easilya hot summer flooded with tearsthe hope is still thereas tears run down her cheeks,memories are the only things she could keepthe heat of the sun slowly fadescolder are the days and nightsan urge to move on and let gobut never ever could do sothen the start of the busy daysa hope to wash him away from her memorytried to keep preoccupiedso that he would never cross her mindschool work, exams, extracurricularssometimes too much that made her sick as a dogmentally, physically, and emotionally batteredshe dares to move onan unexpected newsan unexpected pictureshe saw him with someonehe looks different, he looks happycontinues her busy lifehad a chance to an onstage performanceshe looks lovely, she looks finebut among the crowd she looks for his smiledisappointed, crushed, she decided to travela day at the beach, under the hot suna day at the high lands, try to get cozy in the fogshe'd be having the time of her life, if only he was with hera birthday wish, a special someonegot drunk, she ended up weepinga few dates, never did good"what went wrong?" they left her askingcold holidays spent at the beachfun in the sandbut still with a crushed heartnothing could be more awkward than thisadios to every bitter pasta simple desire for a sweeter tomorrowi'll be moving on, this time it's for realand im glad that this will all fade to black....
[Don Pedro]
for each month of the fleeting year, and a farewell note
i have a feeling that everything will be just fine...
»end of session
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you at 12:31 am
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Saturday, July 22, 2006
"natapos na ang lahat.. andito parin ako.. hetong nakatulala sa mundo.. sa mundo..."
he used to sing this to me over and over again...
he made it sound like the song was written just for me...
who are you singing to, right now?
who do you call when your nights are cold?
can she sing the way i do?
can she warm you up like a bonfire lit in the middle of the night in the cold summer beach?
whose finger spaces are you filling right this moment?
do they fit perfectly the way i felt when you filled mine?
"i miss you"
who are you saying these words to now?
do you even mean it?
did you mean it when those words were for me?
does she miss you more than i do?
i doubt...
"i love you"
are you still afraid of these three words?
these three words that when uttered would make you completely vulnerable?
are you brave enough to submit yourself to someone?
are you brave enough to become defenseless?
if you are...
who do you love right now?
do i still have a shot at being the first girl you have ever committed with all your heart?
or has someone else weakened your knees?
"oohh... hindi ko maisip kung wala ka.... oohh... sa buhay ko..."
[maniniwala na sana ako... pero kanta lang nga naman ito]
(i would have believed you, but its just a song)
»end of session
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you at 05:56 am
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Tuesday, June 13, 2006
oh, take me away...
away to where i could no longer be
dolorific, drowning myself in misery
if only it was that easy
to get away from it all
that is the whole mistery
why so much warmth could make someone cold
don't let the fire burn out
please, don't
more so never doubt
i'll be back for you, you know
i just need to take a break
but i'm not telling you to wait
don't dare forget me, for goodness sake
somehow im scared, i might get a tad too late
hopefully, as i return
you'd still recognize the face,
but i won't remember you
nor the feelings i had
in my heart, there won't even be a single trace
[Don Pedro]
-----------------------
this might prolly be the last submission for the month, since school
has started and all... i will be preoccupied... which is actually what
i have been dying to be... i need distractions since, for the whole
summer i have been pretty bothered by a very significant crash...
anywayzz... i'll be missin you, guyz!
»end of session
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you at 01:41 pm
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Friday, June 02, 2006
"…you can never have your soul mate for your first boyfriend… where's the fun in that…"
fairy tales…
the whole "damsel-in-distress-rescued-by-her-knight-in-shining-armor" scenario
where love's first kiss saves the day…
the only place where love at first sight is actually love
an enchanting song could make two souls collide and be kept entwined for the rest of their lives…
I shouldn't have read fairy tales when I was a kid…
some say it is not advisable…
at this point I would agree…
in
our subconscious (or conscious) mind, we would have this illusion of
how perfect everything would be when love would finally come our way…
the perfect place…
the perfect man…
the perfect kiss…
the illusion that the firsts would be with you forever…
the illusion that nothing could possibly go wrong…
the illusion that when love finds you, it would never leave…
let's
say I may be wrong… let's say that these so-called illusions could
actually come true… they could actually happen…
well… there must've been a glitch in mine…
it's
quite confusing really… that when my friends and their boyfriends have
a fight, and eventually one of them wants to break up, give it a
minute, a day tops for them to say, "I can't do it"
I wouldn't
know what to feel… I mean, I should be happy, because they are my
friends... but then, I can't be… because I can't help but think that
why love works for others, but never for me…
then I would think that there must be some mistake… my illusion doesn't go like this at all…
my illusion didn't contain me writing about heartbreaks in the middle of the night…
it didn't have highly emotional times listening to every GD song that would remind me how I screwed up so bad
it never had breakdowns and endless thoughts of what could've been, what if's, and why's
something must've gone wrong with the "Happily Ever After Factory"…
so here I am again, it is half past midnight doing a great job on soaking the pillows
I don't smile anymore…
and I am now afraid…
afraid to do anything because I realize that when I try to make something work for me, it would end up exactly the opposite…
I can't do things anymore, because I am afraid I would screw everything up again…
the risks that I took.. were they even worth it? I can't say…
I am too crushed to say that they are…
angst… sorrow… longing…
all of the sleepless nights…
all the hoping…
all the silent screams…
its funny… but I still believe in happy endings… I still do
»end of session
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you at 01:48 am
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Wednesday, May 31, 2006
"To love is to suffer.
To avoid suffering one must not love.
But then one suffers from not loving.
Therefore, to love is to suffer.
Not to love is to suffer.
To suffer is to suffer.
To be happy is to love.
To be happy, then, is to suffer.
But suffering makes one unhappy.
Therefore, to be unhappy one must love,
Or love to suffer,
Or suffer from too much happiness.
I hope you're getting this down."
- Woody Allen
and she bursts into tears…
she made the scorching summer sun powerless with her tears raining from her eyes
summer was flooded with all her sorrow…
she has never felt so broken… so crushed…
"…and my back has been breaking from this heavy heart"
- Fall Out Boy
she screams…
she calls out his name…
"How long do I have to wait?
How long do I have to cry?
How long do I have to keep fooling myself?
How long do I have to hurt?
…can you even hear me?"
not a day… not even a second
that she would not think about him…
it was as if pining over him was as good as having him…
remembering every single moment they shared…
even if it hurts more than facing the day knowing he is no longer hers…
ironic isn't it…
and she pulls her hair back…
it was a hot day
yet another gloomy weather,
being witnessed by the four walls of the foyer…
it was a heartbreaking scene as the rainbow-colored sheets turned black and white…
every smile by all the teddy bears faded…
"I can't take it anymore…
I don't want to cry anymore…
I don't want to remember…
I don't want to feel…
…make me forget"
"…say you'll never fall again, you won't subject yourself to such pain…"
- Brian McKnight
she tried to run away… to hide from everyone who had something to do with her life…
then…
a push to let go… give up…
"… I love you so much it hurts,
I love you so much that I'm giving up… not because I want to… but because I know this is what you wanted."
BUT
knowing this girl, she fights for what she wants…
a risk taker…
no matter how stupid she would look…
no matter how more crushed her heart will be
because she would always remember what he told her…
"the biggest risk in life is not taking one…"
he might not have took a chance on her… but she will for him…
"…you
can never run away… because if you run, it will just keep on haunting
you… feel it until it doesn't hurt anymore… feel it till its still
there…"
sadomasochism? Could be… but there isn't a better way out, I guess…
"…if it doesn't hurt, it's not real"
- City of Angels
she still loves him…
more than before..
she misses him more…
she couldn't wait till the day they would meet again…
but… impatience is what took everything away from her…
impatience.. impulsiveness… the whole "spur-of-the-moment-all-or-nothing"
"For one year… I will wait for you… I hope that within that time, one day, we'd be drawn to each other's heartbeat…"
--------------------------------------------------
I have so many things in mind...
It is a shame that I have spent summer swimming for my life in my sea of thoughts
my heart sinking in tears
so many feelings in one heart that I don't know if I could take it much longer…
a long time to wait… but I know I shouldn't let my whole world revolve to one person I am not even sure would come back to me…
I am happy that school will start soon… I need some distraction…
to give myself a break… crying is very tiring… *smirks*
so many things I want to write.. but I don't think words could be enough to explain everything I've been going through…
these few lines would sum it all up I guess…
"Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that will make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh, beautiful release
Memory seeps through my veins
Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight…"
-Sarah McLachlan
»end of session
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you at 10:52 pm
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Friday, May 05, 2006
walkin along the dark streets,
lit by tiny lights hung on trees...
this walk i would remember forever,
when you held my hand and said, "i'll leave you never"..
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you at 02:17 pm
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Tuesday, May 02, 2006
*smiling
i remember we were at this fast food chain...
our first dine out, haha...
you ripped the receipt in half so that both of us could have something to remember...
im sorry, i didnt take the other half...
*smile fades
we had spaghetti, and you also had salad...
i was in my pedal pushers and blue shirt, you were in your uniform and your black jacket...
you made me guess when your birthday is,
may 5?
may 1?
close... its may 2
ahhh,,, *smiles
after dinner, you told me your habit everytime you eat at a fast food chain...
you dont drink all of your soda, because you would put a crumpled tissue paper inside the glass
you love looking at it... how the liquid conquers the tissue leaving it soaked and obviously, more fragile and useless
--funny, makes me think it is some sort of metaphor--
we left...
we were on our way to your place...
it was cold outside...
are you cold?
yes
this jacket is too big for you, you'd look silly! haha
i know!
*he holds my hand and i already felt warm
happy birthday dearest, i miss you
»end of session
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you at 12:21 pm
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